Friday, April 6, 2012

Unanswered Questions

I've been thinking about adoption a lot lately.  Our story, his I want to do so much more to help the orphan situation worldwide and raise awareness.  When I find moments to slow my day down and think, I always come back to this topic.  It pulls me.  It breaks me, but it inspires me to do something.
I have to admit, I have gotten caught up in life and haven't pursued my interest and connection to adoption like I wanted.    Like I thought I strongly would.  I'm disappointed in myself.  Sure, we talk to G about his story all the time, but as he is becoming more aware of his surroundings I want to really focus on it.   22 months ago, we got home and hit the ground running.  Life became more about trying to be a good mother to a child in general that I didn't spend as much time as I should concerned about the fact he is adopted. That the fact is adopted from a country all the way around the world.   That is changing now.  He is becoming more independent.  As I watch him and his curiosity develop, I'm brought back to who does he look like?  What will he think of all of this?  How badly I want to take him back there and let him see.  See it all.  The streets, the pastures, the people, the smells.   How I want to have conversations that he understands so I can ask him if I'm doing this right.
And, then there is her...I have dreams of her.  A lot of them right now.  Little, tiny her.  The other night I was doing her hair.  Little curls, twisting and conditioning them with love.  Oh, how I love to do his hair so this is where that dream came from.   I know we are not ready, but sometimes I don't want that to matter.   It's starting to tug on me.  Just like it did for him.  I had a sense of urgency with him.   Something was wrong in my heart and I rushed to get through the paperwork.  I had no idea why I was in such a big rush (as I knew this was not something that could be rushed) until I saw him and knew why I was here.  To mother him.  For now, she might just appear in my dreams.  He did.

Here we are in Addis Ababa in our hotel room.  The first time I played music for Gadisa.  Bob Marley.  I don't know if it was the Iphone or the music itself that he was intrigued by.  He is a fan of both now!  

I made this bracelet for him months before we even met him.  It sat waiting on my dresser for his little arm.  I wore a matching Ethiopia necklace the whole time we waited for him...and I still wear it sometimes.

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