Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Finding Land


     I have decided that I'm done with feeling guilty about what I have.  Successes, lifestyle...anything positive.  There really is no valid reason I should.  I have felt bad for having what I have for so long.  For living the opportunities I live.  Guilty that I am blessed and see so many that struggle.  I have things.  THINGS...they aren't all necessary for survival, but they have been brought into my life by choice.  I can live without them, but I choose to live within them for pure beauty.  It makes me smile.  It makes me grateful.  It makes me want to share.  If they were gone in a heartbeat, I would still be okay.  They are just that little added sparkle to a life of risk and pressure.  I have made my decisions, good and bad in my life.  They have all compiled to lead me to where I stand today.  My lessons have been real, some breaking me into exhaustion and tears, but they are mine.  Mine to live, deal with and learn from.  I have been guilty for my home, my flexible lifestyle, the fact my child goes to a private school.  No one handed them to me.  Sure, I had propositions set on the table, but I chose them and I worked hard to be noticed as the right fit for them.   They did not appear overnight.  They appeared from choices I made.  From puzzles I put together, tore apart and rearranged.  My life is fueled by my inspirations and motivations.  My child is here because I decided to seek him out across oceans.  Because there was something pulling me there.  Because I wanted to give a child in great need a family to love them.  Because I chose someone that wanted the same.  It was meant to be, but I had to direct the ship in the right direction.  My house is my home because I fought to make it mine, never taking NO for an answer.  Being aggressive and moving quick.  Waiting out till the right moment found me and I found it.  Like fate.  My job I created to fit my needs.  I persisted that I knew it was right for me to lead, organize and make decisions.  I didn't let someone else's hesitations stop me from wanting it exactly the way I designed.  I understood the hesitation, but I knew it would work itself out.  It fits my lifestyle.  Yet, why have I always felt guilty?  Like it was too much goodness for one person.  I didn't deserve all of it.  Because...I see others struggling and it bothers me.  I want them to be stable.  To have opportunities that everyone deserves in this life.  I found myself downplaying my life when discussing it with someone that hates their job or is struggling to pay their rent.  I struggle.  We struggle.  We are just good at hiding it and sometimes we are not.  Sometimes the risk and the pressure leave us with bloodshot eyes, restless nights and breaths held.   I've always wanted more and guiltily grateful when I receive it.  Recently I have discovered that wanting now, exactly the way it is, is just as important.  Finding the balance to live in the present and seek change when needed is a life long lesson I eagerly sign up for.  It takes courage.  It takes strength.  Don't settle for mundane, but go out and find it.  MAKE it happen so that when it does it feels like it just fits like a glove.  Sit back and think.  Dream up something GRAND.  Bring ideas to the forefront.  Find ambition to make yourself something out of the opportunity you sit within.  That is what I believe in.  Me.  Not all the time and not all my being, but I'm working on it.  I just didn't think it was okay to give myself props, but it is.  It's needed.
      I haven't been parented in a long time.  These aspects of me were not all there when I left home.  I molded them.  I listened,  I learned, I read, I watched.  I decided.  Today, now...I decide to let go of guilt.  I decide to step into confidence and enjoy smiling when I pull back the curtains to let the morning sun creep in.  To take a deep breath and smell the old wood and openness of this piece of history I reside in.  I decide to feel great when I kiss him goodbye and leave him at the classroom and know that his days are absolutely unique and how amazing it is to have that opportunity in my hometown for him to learn this way.  I just woke up and realized I have created something I've always wanted.  My life.  Exactly this way.
     In the end, where we stand is where our decisions left us.  We can't control all outcomes, but we can fight like hell to paddle through the waters. We can determine how hard we fight to find our grounding and we can absolutely decide whether it's where we want to land.  


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Taking One For The Team

I generally spend Tuesdays working on ReLive things a little bit, doing laundry and checking emails here and there for Mammoth work.  I like Tuesdays.  Today, however, I have spent the day nursing my bruised body.   Drifting in and out of sleep.  Achy and rough.   I had a bit of an accident yesterday on my way out of the office and I'll spend the next couple of days paying for it.  We work out of an old house that has a narrow, wooden staircase of about 20 stairs.  As I was headed towards them and out the door for the day, I took one step and somehow slipped and spun around face first heading down all 20 of those stairs.  Laptop too.  It was the loudest commotion.  It seemed like slow motion as I even had time to realize how many stairs there were and I still had not stopped and was still proceeding to the very bottom.  Everyone ran over to me, including my husband and I was a little dazed but laughing.  Instant pain and broken jewelry thrown about.  It was pretty epic.  In a skirt, none the less!  Somehow I was able to keep that down.  I try to be a proper lady as much as I can.  :)  I started swelling up instantly, but was rushed home to ice everything down.  My mama even came up to help (she's a nurse) so I had really good care.  Thankfully, no broken bones.  I don't know how that happened.  Just bruises and a lot of them...everywhere.
I kind of want to get some rock climbing cables and strap myself in next time I venture onto these Stairs of Death.  I'm not the only one that has tripped up or down them.  I'm just the only one that has been that creative in going down them.  It's amazing what the human body can go through and keep ticking.  I feel like I've been ran over by a truck!  At least, I have some tea, a quiet house and this beautiful view to soak in right now thru the pain. Every couple of hours, something new hurts.  It's kind of ironic though.  Our business has been pretty tough this year and we've been weathering the storm and taking the hits as they come.  Something that you do when you own a small business that ebbs and flows.  My adventure down the stairs felt like a physical journey of all of that.  Glad I could take one for the team!  :)


Sunday, October 28, 2012

Searching For Light

What would you do if you absolutely hated what you do for a living?  If you despised leaving your house in the morning because what you faced sucked all the life out of your soul day after day?  I recently had dinner with someone who told me that they hated their job.  We were initially discussing it calmly. Me... offering hope and a possibly a new perspective.  A fresh breath.   Them...stopping me in mid sentence.  No, I absolutely hate it.  Said with such passion.  Such desperation.  Loss of hope and overridden by responsibility beyond what I could ever hold.   I teared up.  Right there at the best table in the restaurant.  The one that overlooks the city that unfolds beneath me.  I couldn't swallow my wine.  My throat hurt.  My heart hurt for them.  To not see the light at the end of the tunnel.   To be so beaten down by their daily life for years on end.  So, quit one would typically say.  Look for something else.  Remember life is too short to waste it being unhappy.  They were beyond that.  Lost in the shuffle of not being able to see 2 feet in front of them.  It's not that easy.  Sometimes that is so true when you are the sun to so many moons.

I hope they can find their way to this...


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Art of Alone - A Meal Out


I decided to play around with a series in this space.  Every so often, I want to adventure out and do something alone.  No kiddo, no friend, no husband to keep me company.  I spend a lot of time alone during the day since I work from home a lot.  I'm not so good at going out and about and doing what would regularly be adventures with a partner, but doing them alone so I thought this would be a great way to force myself to step outside of my comfort zone.  Alas, The Art of Alone is born.
My first adventure was to enjoy a meal at a restaurant alone.  I picked the perfect place and the perfect day a few weeks ago.  A cute, boutique style restaurant called Esquina.  I asked to sit outside.  It was a cloudy day and as my meal progressed, a storm started to form overhead.  With a glass of wine in hand, a delicious, fresh salad and a good book to peak at from time to time I watched the storm clouds start shifting overhead.  The air changed.  The conversation around me focused on the storm and I just sat.  By myself, alone and enjoying the moment.  The tastes, the smells and my surroundings.  It was one of my favorite meals!  I definitely will be doing this a little more often.  I found it comforting yet at the same time just enough out of my comfort zone to notice the things you miss when you are dining with company.




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