I have decided that I'm done with feeling guilty about what I have. Successes, lifestyle...anything positive. There really is no valid reason I should. I have felt bad for having what I have for so long. For living the opportunities I live. Guilty that I am blessed and see so many that struggle. I have things. THINGS...they aren't all necessary for survival, but they have been brought into my life by choice. I can live without them, but I choose to live within them for pure beauty. It makes me smile. It makes me grateful. It makes me want to share. If they were gone in a heartbeat, I would still be okay. They are just that little added sparkle to a life of risk and pressure. I have made my decisions, good and bad in my life. They have all compiled to lead me to where I stand today. My lessons have been real, some breaking me into exhaustion and tears, but they are mine. Mine to live, deal with and learn from. I have been guilty for my home, my flexible lifestyle, the fact my child goes to a private school. No one handed them to me. Sure, I had propositions set on the table, but I chose them and I worked hard to be noticed as the right fit for them. They did not appear overnight. They appeared from choices I made. From puzzles I put together, tore apart and rearranged. My life is fueled by my inspirations and motivations. My child is here because I decided to seek him out across oceans. Because there was something pulling me there. Because I wanted to give a child in great need a family to love them. Because I chose someone that wanted the same. It was meant to be, but I had to direct the ship in the right direction. My house is my home because I fought to make it mine, never taking NO for an answer. Being aggressive and moving quick. Waiting out till the right moment found me and I found it. Like fate. My job I created to fit my needs. I persisted that I knew it was right for me to lead, organize and make decisions. I didn't let someone else's hesitations stop me from wanting it exactly the way I designed. I understood the hesitation, but I knew it would work itself out. It fits my lifestyle. Yet, why have I always felt guilty? Like it was too much goodness for one person. I didn't deserve all of it. Because...I see others struggling and it bothers me. I want them to be stable. To have opportunities that everyone deserves in this life. I found myself downplaying my life when discussing it with someone that hates their job or is struggling to pay their rent. I struggle. We struggle. We are just good at hiding it and sometimes we are not. Sometimes the risk and the pressure leave us with bloodshot eyes, restless nights and breaths held. I've always wanted more and guiltily grateful when I receive it. Recently I have discovered that wanting now, exactly the way it is, is just as important. Finding the balance to live in the present and seek change when needed is a life long lesson I eagerly sign up for. It takes courage. It takes strength. Don't settle for mundane, but go out and find it. MAKE it happen so that when it does it feels like it just fits like a glove. Sit back and think. Dream up something GRAND. Bring ideas to the forefront. Find ambition to make yourself something out of the opportunity you sit within. That is what I believe in. Me. Not all the time and not all my being, but I'm working on it. I just didn't think it was okay to give myself props, but it is. It's needed.
I haven't been parented in a long time. These aspects of me were not all there when I left home. I molded them. I listened, I learned, I read, I watched. I decided. Today, now...I decide to let go of guilt. I decide to step into confidence and enjoy smiling when I pull back the curtains to let the morning sun creep in. To take a deep breath and smell the old wood and openness of this piece of history I reside in. I decide to feel great when I kiss him goodbye and leave him at the classroom and know that his days are absolutely unique and how amazing it is to have that opportunity in my hometown for him to learn this way. I just woke up and realized I have created something I've always wanted. My life. Exactly this way.
In the end, where we stand is where our decisions left us. We can't control all outcomes, but we can fight like hell to paddle through the waters. We can determine how hard we fight to find our grounding and we can absolutely decide whether it's where we want to land.