But, This Morning...

This summer's last leg finds me lost in myself.  Tummy issues.  Lack of staying healthy and doing anything about it.  Off centered and unfocused.  1,001 things bugging me.  I think the drought and months long heat have gotten to me and has withered me up.  With the newfound time I have on my hands I have decided to try my best to steer my ship in the right direction.  

I had a really hard time waking up today, but this morning...
I kissed my best friend farewell for 5 days and bid him safety and good luck on his journey (the journey of rock n' roll that is...we've got some big  shows happening in Omaha and Little Rock and I keep my fingers crossed they go well!)

I was in a brain fog, but this morning...
The rain greeted our world.  The windows came open.  The air conditioner was turned off.  The candles were lit.

I was dreading working out, but this morning...
I was encouraged by the rain and chose to do yoga.  Opening my heart and accepting the challenge was hard, but worth it.

I was cold from the windows open, but this morning...
I remembered this amazing sweater I picked up a few weeks ago (on a blazing hot day).  I found it digging through racks of clothes at a thrift store and instantly thought, "It's my farm sweater!"  I pictured myself wrapped in it walking about a drafty, old farmhouse (yep, still obsessing).  Chai tea in hand in the wee hours of the morning before my boys were awake and amid the heat, purchased it right then and there.  And today, today of all days, I got to wear it!  It's exactly what I needed.  The little bit of tiny goodness on a first day of redirecting.

I thought this morning was going to be just like any other, but this morning...
This morning was better.

Where There's A Will There's A Way

Well, my 30 Day yoga challenge is turning out to be the most productive, healthy thing I have ever done for myself.   It's making me actually stop, slow down and take care of myself.
It's bringing me strength I had lost.  Even when I'm exhausted and I don't want to do it, I give in and do however much I can and I am instantly happy and fulfilled.
I  have cut back my time spent on a computer and have instead spent some time reading or just sitting and drinking some tea and not multi tasking (imagine that!).    It's amazing how much of your life goes by when you can't look up for a moment or you don't give yourself that moment to look up.  I thought I didn't have enough time to do anything and even hesitated before signing up for this challenge because there was no way I could find the time.  Then, I stepped back and realized so much of my time was being spent on things I didn't really want to be spending my time on and I really, really wanted to commit myself to this.   What I'm gaining by redirecting my time is priceless and worth every hard, shaking, sore, sweaty yoga pose.

My goal pose...

photo from YogaBarn.net

Today's Morning Cup Of Tea

Can one really completely reinvent oneself? You know, put all those traits that you don't necessarily agree with away and bring out the good ones. Or, just even make up new ones along the way. I seem to grasp at the idea of reinvention for many reasons from time to time.

I like change. Anything staying the same for too long makes me squirm. Like that feeling in the winter of being snowed in for too many days? Itching to get out and do something.

I change my mind...a lot. I often think I have the perfect scenario worked out and then WHAM...I go and come up with another life plan or another way of doing something that I'm sure is the best way to do it.

I often waver on self confidence. This seems to be my self help theme of the summer. I thought coming into my thirties a few years ago would magically deliver a strong sense of contentment with myself...all tied up in pretty ribbon and eye catching packaging (this is that marketing aspect of myself...packaging, people...it works). However, since leaving a daily grind of an office and stepping into life as a mom, my self esteem has taken a hit. Maybe it's the lack of interaction or the fact that when you become a parent you instantly also have a trillion ways to mess that up and doubt what you're doing.

The grass is always greener...I dislike this manifesto. Mainly because I constantly do it. I think that if we can just do this or that, then we are golden. My husband constantly reminds me of the shades of green that await for me on the other side of my latest ideal scenario. He's a good reality buffer (but also known as the Dream Hammer). The grass is always greener is one of those traits that I would like to chuck out the window.

So, in a nutshell...I am trying a new tactic. I am working on not reinventing myself. I am working on comfort. I am working on the here and the now. I am working on laughing at myself and the 10 ways I moved the furniture around in the living room the other day...only to really move it all back and just turn the table a different direction to get my "fresh change" of scenery. I am working on yoga and the calmness it brings me and even more importantly the way it allows me to carry my head. Held high and confidently held as my own. A jumbled concoction of all sorts of ideas and dreams...and yes....doubt too. A complete package of me tied up with a tattered and frayed ribbon, but a ribbon all the same.